User blog:Pikazilla/Deadliest Roast
I was originally going to do a review on all the weapons, but a weapon is only good in its era: a halberd means nothing against a gatling gun. instead I want to roast the really bad ones, the weapons that were so bad that you question why they were used at all even during their era. I am not including armor, shields classified as weapons, weapons that can be used as effective tools (E-Tool, Dolabra, Grappling Hook, Bardiche musket stand), non-lethal weapons that are still relevant (shurikens and black egg used to flee or weaken instead of kill), or weapons or shields that existed because the warrior had no other choice (like the Apache War Club or Zande’s wicker Kube shield: as awful as it is, these natives didn’t really have any alternative options). Slings Slings for Deadliest Warrior have never won against any of the Bows. The Aztec Tamatlatl (the best sling) still lost to the Botto & Pima (a basic bow that could not pierce the most basic standard armor). The biggest issue with the Gladiator and Celt is that they lack chest armor and are forced to fight an archer that is difficult to damage; the Apache with its agility and stealth, and the Immortal with his bronze armor, shield and helmet: seriously, the Chariot driver in the simulated battle must have gotten wacked right in the nose for him to be ko’d. Keep in mind that in that same simulated battle; the Immortal archer was very effective at raining hell from his Chariot. This is why their slings got only 1 lucky kill while the archers easily got over 100 kills: it is a massive long range disadvantage. Sings have excellent range, but lack the precision to hit an individual consistently (unless your name is David): which is awful when you can only kill with a headshot. Clearly if you had 100 slingers firing volleys, it’s going to do some damage to a large dense enemy formation. But in DW, where the largest matches are 5 on 5, this is less relevant. Slings are better than nothing, but these guys are better off throwing their spears instead: don’t bother with this peasant weapon in a duel. I will mention that weapons that are effective against armies but not individuals (Ming Nest of Bees, Scottish Hammer Throw, Ballista) will not be mentioned in this blog since they are actually good weapons, just not in duels. Blowgun The legendary Ninja killing tool only gets 4 kills; why? This is clearly an example of how the Ninja is not designed for a conventional Deadliest Warrior duel; the Ninja assassinates, he does not fight. The blowgun the Ninja uses is really small; it’s not a pea shooter but it’s not an American blowgun (the ones that are at least 3ft long). When facing a warrior with ANY armor, the Ninja would indeed need to ambush the target and score a direct hit in the gaps of this armor. Can the Ninja do this ambush? Yes. Do duels allow ambushes? Not really. Not to mention that reloading a blowdart is hard to do if you have nowhere to hide. The Spartan had the heaviest bronze armor and largest shield in the entire show; this blowdart needed luck to do any impact to this duel. Nunchaku The ‘skilled kung fu weapon’ that both Deadliest Warrior and Death Battle agree is weaker than a baseball bat. The saddest thing about this weapon is the much better Ninja weapon: the Jitte; a solid baton with a hook that can entangle opponents. And even then I wouldn’t recommend using the Jitte over the other Yakuza weapon the Sai; which is actually a decent killing weapon for being a dagger variation of the Jitte. An effective blunt force weapon needs one of two things; either a wedge shape for a piercing or slicing impact (as seen with the Inyankapemni or Mere Clubs) or be heavy: Nunchaku are not in either category. Molotov Yes this is a deadly weapon when you want to burn something down, but it’s technically not an explosive. Yes the flames can spread quickly, but not quick enough to engulf a human you don’t directly hit: which is something a normal grenade can do. And as the simulation showed; trying to arm the weapon is so slow and obvious that you could be quickly counter attacked. Most of the Shaolin Monk’s Weapons I get it; Shaolin Monks are pacifists and so they prefer less-lethal weapons. However this is exactly what you do not want on a show called DEADLIEST Warrior. The Emei Piercers, Staff, and Whip Chain can be carried in public due to their concealment traits (since the staff can function as a walking stick, which most civilians living in Chinese mountains used.) I honestly think the hosts intentionally ‘nerfed’ the Shaolin to make it a fair fight against the stoneage Maori, since it was a steel weapon (the Hook Swords) that dominated this fight. The videogames do have the Monk with actually good weapons; the Jian and Dao (the most iconic swords of China) and throwing knives. Not to mention that Chakrams and Spears were also frequently used by the Monks. The Monk isn’t a bad warrior at all; but you do need to choose actual weapons. Looking at his duel with the Maori, if you ignore the Twin Hooked Swords, the Staff is the deadliest weapon the Monk had. Yes the Maori had a staff too; but at least it is double-edged with a blunt wedge and a spearpoint. The Shaolin Staff is just a basic stick: Neanderthals could make deadlier weapons than ‘just a stick’. The Monk was very close to being the ‘Magikarp’ of the series, if it wasn’t for its amazing Twin Hooked Swords. Sting Ray Spear I don’t know why the Maori is using two different spears, but whatever. This is a good example of a ‘sounds good on paper’ weapon. Yes you have multiple stingray barbs on your spear, essentially making it a brandistock. But keep in mind that even stone spearheads can break easily; so thin boney spearheads will just instantly snap when making significant contact with anything (INCLUDING YOUR TARGET). Yes I am aware that this idea of imbedding the barbs is the whole point, but all you need to do is whack these barbs with basically anything (from a stick to a shield to armor) and it would be instantly rendered useless. This is by far the worst spear in the series: any advantage it has is overshadowed by its absurd fragility. Slingshot So assuming this is a high power hunting slingshot, this might be considered a reasonable weapon… in the bronze age. For a Cold War era warrior: just use a pistol. Heck, that’s what happened in the Back for Blood special. The Slingshot was so irrelevant of a weapon that the simulation had to use a knife, a weapon not used in the battle, to simulate the kill: WOW. Side arms aren’t a gamechanger in these modern matchups anyways, so there’s not much to say otherwise. I will mention that I am aware that the IRA used Slingshots, but even then it was primarily for violent riots. Its use in actual combat was obviously rare; it did happen, but only rarely. Taser Shockwave Okay so maybe this anti-riot squad tool has potential at being good at actual riot fighting. That said: this is still Deadliest Warrior. The fact that this weapon is non-lethal doesn’t automatically make it bad; most non-lethal weapons (like the Stingball Grenade as the simulated battle showed) can be used to stun or disorientate the enemy long enough to follow up with a killing blow. What makes the Shockwave bad is just how it functions as a ‘trap’ weapon. Mines and booby-traps don’t need outside input to activate and are lethal: the Shockwave fails at both categories. The Shockwave is wasting the ambush mentality of a trap with a stun. But the worst thing about this weapon is that it is gigantic and has no camo: so, as the simulation implies, the only way to ambush someone is if they walk around a corner. Keep in mind that most Modern warriors have access to shotguns, who have better range than the Shockwave anyways. I honestly think this is THE worst weapon in DW, since it is obviously designed to be nonlethal and has no battlefield purpose. And yes, people can die from tasers: but that’s a 1/1000 chance at most. Lasso At first I didn’t know if I would even consider this a bad weapon, but the low kill count confirms it. I thought it made sense; strangle, hang or drag the foe by the neck (you aren’t Attila the Hun if you aren’t brutal). But that’s just it: you need to score a direct hit at the neck to land, and you need to be riding on horseback to do this. So not only does this weapon need precision, and is useless on foot; but the Huns already had a weapon with better precision and range: the bow. If the Huns are fighting anything that isn’t a full plate Knight, they are going to be able to land a head or neck shot at a much farther range than what the lasso can do: that’s why the Romans were so overwhelmed by Hunnic horseback archery, it made their specialization on armor and close combat useless. Also keep in mind that the similar Mongolians maybe also used lassos as a weapon, but were almost always using a spear instead for mid-range melee combat. I’m surprised Jessie James didn’t use this: HOWDAY YALL. Brass Knuckles As mentioned before; light blunt weapons rarely are actually useful. A weapon that is portable isn’t a weapon if it can’t guarantee a kill. The simulated fight showed just how long it would realistically take to engage in a fist-fight: Jessie had to lose both of his melee weapons, and even then his brother Frank James had plenty of time to save his bro. Also FWI, I’m not mentioning the Cool WHip since it’s technically not an individual weapon and does make sense if you have literally nothing else on you. Aara I do need to mention the only sword to score 0 kills. I have seen Aara swordsfighting, it is insane just how fast and fluid this weapon is. So why did it fail so badly? I’m assuming it’s because the Roman was too heavily armored; his helmet has side flaps to protect the head, his Scutum shield is massive, and he wears chainmail (which is designed to block slashing attacks). There is also the obvious fatigue disadvantage this weapon has. The Romans were designed to rush into combat; deflecting attacks with their superior defenses. I do think the Aara would be great against an unarmored opponent, but even the Lorica Hamata chainmail is more than enough to make this weapon practically useless. I still respect the weapon, but it is not designed to deal with a metal wall: it is still a whip. Burda I already mentioned this before but it still remains true; a light club is not the best weapon. Yes the Burda has a wedge shape and even an iron bar: but since the Persian is wearing bronze armor, he can take a few hits. It is a side arm, and it is better than nothing: but its lethality is lacking. I was going to mention the Spartan Xiphos as a terrible weapon, but again, it is a side arm anyways and it is still lethal when it lands its stabs. Meanwhile the Persian Sagaris is just as light yet can pierce iron armor: one of the few weapons on this show to do so with ease. The Burda is a cavemen club. I will mention that I'm not including the Native American War Club and Inyankapemni Club since these warriors were stone age warriors and so lacked the resources to have stronger clubs. These clubs are also made of stone, which means the War Club is heavier than the Burda and the Inyankapemni is sharper. The simulated fight totals also showed that these clubs were relatively more effective in their duel, at least when compared to the Burda. Garrote Okay so the CIA vs KGB battle was really weird because it’s a ‘spy vs spy’ mentality. Yes the Camera Gun is pathetic in a real fight, but is perfect for assassination. And yes it would be easier to kill with a normal knife than the knife shoe, but at least it’s not going to be found out in a patdown. And while the Cigar Bomb might sound like a Looney Tunes joke, it is still somewhat effective as an assassination tool and allows you to walk away from the scene to avoid witnesses spotting you. But then you have the Garrote: it can be easier to spot in a patdown than the shoe knife, it can only be used directly from behind, and it is so messy that you are covered in blood after a kill: guaranteeing that you will stand out in any crowd. If these guys are bringing machine pistols into battle, then why not also bring a knife as well? 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